Not what it looks like
by BonnieAW
Summary: Grissom has kept something about his past from Sara and she doesn't like it when she finds out on her own.
1. Chapter 1

A/N I: started this fic as an entry for the smutathon but liked the idea too much to make it 'just smut'. So, a new WIP has been born.

A/N 2: Before I start, I want to thank Myra, Lisa, Tanny and Silvin for their help one way or another..

This story may start a bit different then you're used too, but I promise it won't all be this bad..

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! What if someone from work would have told me? Do you have any idea how stupid I would look? How could you keep something like this from me?"

Why was he so bad in fights? They didn't argue much, and when they did, most of the time he got himself out of it with some smart remark. However, when the arguing enveloped in a real fight, she always managed to win. When things got nasty, he always shut down. Always seeking for the right words, always saying the ones that only made the situation worse. This time it was no different.

"Sara, it wasn't, it isn't important! That's why nobody knows, you couldn't have found out about it from anyone else! Please..."

Normally she thought his stupidity when they fought as adorable. This time was different, she felt like _nothing_ could fix this.

"Excuse me? Nobody knows cause it doesn't mean anything to you? Is that why nobody knows about us? Because it's unimportant? You're unbelievable Gil!"

"Sara please, you have to let me explain." She could see the tears welling behind his eyes, he looked terrified, but she didn't care. For the first time since she met him, she didn't care about his feelings. She wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

He walked over and tried to pin her body against his in the hope this would soothe her. It didn't, she slammed her fists against his chest and pushed him away. She hit him with such a strength that he hit the wall behind him and he felt something crack in his knee, he didn't care. This was the first time she'd turned down any kind of affection from him and he knew it was really, really bad.

"DON'T ever try to touch me again Gil!" She'd never in her life been this angry, after all the years as a CSI, this was the first time she truly understood how people could hurt someone they loved. The shoebox she found in his closet just a few minutes ago flew across the room, collapsing against his chest. The contains shredded on the floor on it's way over.

"Please Sara, don't do this! This was years ago! Before I asked you to come here, you have to believe me Sara!" His tears made their way from his eyes and wandered down his cheeks. His back slid down the wall and when he hit the floor, his knees got up as far as they could and he wrapped his arms around them. Never in his life, had he felt this miserable.

It took Sara about ten minutes to gather most of her clothes in one of his weekend bags. When she came back in the hallway, Gil hadn't moved and the tears hadn't stopped. She couldn't make herself care anymore.

Her key of his house landed in front of his feet and he looked up. "Where are you going?" He took the key and got up. "Sara, you can't do this, it can't end this way. Please!"

With the door opened she turned around, tears running down her face, staring at the floor. "You know, I really have to thank you for this. After all the times you hurt me before we got together, I tried so hard to get over you. I really did, but you always said something that made me fall in love all over again. I knew this was to good to be true, I knew it had to end some day and I always thought I had to move to the other side of the country when it would happen. I thought I wouldn't be able to stay in Vegas and see you every day, without thinking back on our beautiful time together."

She looked up and looked him straight in the eye. "You finally managed to hurt me enough to dislike you, to never think something of you other then a colleague again. You blew it and if you ever do something to upset me at work. I promise you I'll tell the others what you're really made of." She walked out and threw the door shut as hard as possible. He realized Sara was gone, for good.

Xxxxx

Sara sat in her car, around the corner of Gil's, no _her_ street. They'd decided to move in together two weeks back and she turned in her apartment key three nights ago, which meant she had no place to go besides the house she just left or the lab. Gil always went to the lab when he was upset about something, so that wasn't an option either.

Without thinking about it, she hit the gas and set her destination to the only place she could think about at the moment. She hoped she would cool down a bit on the twenty-minute drive, but she only got even more mad. Especially when the old lady in the first liquor store didn't want to sell her the bottle of Tequila because she looked so bad. Tired of hearing the same speech for the thousandth time, 'you know there are more problems than answers in a bottle', she walked out and drove to another. Here, they seemed very happy to have a customer. They even managed to let her buy two bottles instead of the intentioned one.

Once she reached her destination, she sat in her car for a while. She had hoped he wasn't at home, so she could sneak in with the key she knew was under the plant next to the backdoor. Unfortunately, his car was in the driveway, so he probably had the night off too. She grabbed the weekend bag from the backseat and locked the car. Not sure if it was the best idea to come here, she slowly made her way to the front door. '_It's not like I have anywhere else to go.' _

When she reached the house, she could hear soft tones of music coming through the door. Glad that she didn't have to wake him, she knocked twice. The music was being turned off and she heard footsteps coming closer.

He wondered who the hell would come to his house at this hour. On the way to the door he wrapped his robe around his body and tucked the band around his waist. After looking through the peephole he opened his door, surprised to see the dried tears on the face of the woman standing on the other side.

"Sara, honey.. What happened? Where's Gil?"

Before he could say anything else, she threw her arms around his shoulders, the tears streaming again. "I'm sorry Jim, I didn't know where else to go."

A/N 3: aah nervous! What did you think!? I'm flying to the US on Friday but I think I'll manage to post another chap before that.. I don't mind criticism, not at all, but try to keep it a little bit nice please ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N 1** As promised before lift off, the second chapter. You can find a bit more Brass Sara interaction in this one..

** A/N 2** So, I just wanted to post this chap before I get on the plane. Most of it is beta'd (thanks to Lisa for that BTW!) but the last part isn't. I'm sorry for that, but then I wouldn't have been able to post it until at least Sunday or Monday.

Before he could say anything else, she threw her arms around his shoulders, the tears streaming again. "I'm sorry Jim, I didn't know where else to go."

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When they entered Jim's apartment Sara immediately collapsed onto the couch. God she was glad she had him, he knew about them from the beginning and they grew really close since then. Jim vanished into the kitchen and came back seconds later with two glasses and one of the bottles she'd brought. He put them down on the coffee table filled the glasses as he spoke. "Do you want something to eat? I don't have much, but I can make something."

Sara got lost in his words somewhere after she heard him say 'eat'. The last thing she had on her mind right now was eating. "I'm fine thanks." She pulled her knees up so Jim could take a seat next to her. When he sat down and gave her the glass she drowned it immediately, this was definitely better then food. After following her example, he filled the glasses again. This one was fuller and she nearly killed herself when she again, drowned it in one gulp. Instead of drinking his own, he put his hand on her knee. "Sara, talk to me, maybe it helps to get it of your chest.."

Sara was now staring at her third drink. She wasn't crying anymore and her eyes reflected an anger he'd never seen with her before. He didn't want to think of her as someone who tried to drown all their problems, but then again, she _had_ done it before. Not long after her DUI, Gil had told him her anger and behavior back then had nothing to do with her drinking 'a couple of beers with breakfast' and as much as he wanted to believe him, he was more aware of the symptoms then most people.

Even though his suspicions, he decided not to say anything about it. They had seen each other out of work regularly for the last year or something and Gil never questioned her drinking, so why should he? And if so, this was about the worse moment he could pick. He ran his thumb over her knee and as if on cue, she started talking.

"Jim, may I ask you a personal question?" And gone was her third shot of Tequila.

Since he got to know her better, he had soon found out that Sara was pretty bad in hiding her feelings. People that didn't know her well might not notice, but she always expressed the way she felt by the way she used her voice. So when he heard her speak, he got another confirmation of the seriousness of this situation. He wondered what he could have to do with it, but gave in to her request. "Maybe I haven't made this clear enough before, but you can ask me anything you want, always.." He drank his Tequila and filled their glasses again.

She laid her head down on his shoulder and relaxed a bit by the comfort it gave her when he put his arm around her shoulder. "When you were married, when did you know it was over? I mean, what made you decide it wasn't worth fighting for anymore?"

Her question took him a bit of guard and he carefully thought about the best way to answer while he made their 'Tequila score' even. "Don't get my wrong, it isn't that I don't want to answer, but I tell you, my marriage must be the worse example in the world for the way relationships should go. I don't know what happened between you and Gil, but me telling you this isn't going to help."

She closed her eyes and lied, "This isn't about me and Gil. I'm just... Interested." After the fight, the crying and the Tequila, she felt exhausted. She didn't want to think of Gil, but she wondered how he was doing. No doubt about it, she was still mad as hell, but she couldn't help worrying about him. When she'd left the house he was a wreck, he must be burying himself in work now. Deep in her thoughts, she noticed Jim had started talking a while ago and tried to concentrate on his words.

"I think our marriage was doomed to fail from the beginning. Of course I loved her when I proposed, or at least I think I did, but when I think of it now I have to say it was more because it was 'the right thing to do' then because I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Both our parents were _very_ old fashioned and ever since I brought Nancy home the first time, they pushed me to ask her. I don't know if I had if it wasn't for them." He stopped talking and took a minute again to form his words. "It didn't take long before we started to have a lot of problems behind closed doors. Of course, nobody noticed, or they pretend they didn't. My mother saw a divorce as a betrayal towards the entire family and when she started to suspect we weren't that happy as we seemed, she kept saying marriage was never about happiness yada yada yada you know the story... After a year or so, I found out Nancy was having an affair and then Annie came around. We both made a lot of mistakes.. There aren't many people who know this, but the final blow for me to divorce Nancy was when I found out Ellie wasn't mine.."

He didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed when he looked down at a peaceful sleeping Sara on his shoulder. Surprisingly it felt good to talk about it again, and he wondered how it would have went if she hadn't fallen asleep. He put his glass on the table and freed himself from her, careful not to wake her. After laying her horizontal on his couch, he went to the bedroom to get a blanket and a pillow.

The blanket was draped over her and he lifted her head gently to place the pillow under it. When he took off her shoes he thought about the last time he undressed a woman and smirked at himself, i _'that has been way to long ago._' /i He brought the glasses back to the kitchen, took a quick shower and went to bed.

Sara heard an alarm and then registered the throbbing pain in her head. Without opening her eyes, she searched for her phone and after finding it next to her head she turned of the alarm. When she opened her eyes, she recognized the room she woke up in as Jim's living room. Vaguely she remembered asking him about his marriage, she must have felt asleep after that. She sat up and caught a note, a strip of aspirins and a bottle of water on the coffee table.

_ i Sara, _

_I got called in early. I set your alarm so you won't be to late for shift, **if** you can go to work that is... Take an aspirin and feel free to take anything you can find in the fridge. I put two clean towels on the bathroom cabinet; I hope you'll feel better after a shower. _

_Let me know if you need anything,_

_Jim /i _

On the way to work Sara kept thinking about Jim. She loved him. Of course not in a romantic way, but she was definitely sure she loved him. She couldn't think of somebody with a better heart then him and yet, he didn't have a woman in his live. Maybe it was time to find him someone. The question however, who the hell would be a good mach?

When she entered the LVDP building, her thoughts immediately flew back to Gil. They never took their personal life to work, but she wasn't sure if she could stay cool this time. She wasn't early as usual, so after putting her stuff in her locker she walked over to the break room, where she found everyone present but Gil. She didn't want to pull all the attention to herself, but of course she did just that by coming into work just minutes before shift started.

They all looked up and Greg was the first to talk, "Pay up Nick, I told you she'd be here eventually." Even though she could have suspected this, she shot an annoyed look at both men.

"What? I'm just a bit late and you're already betting on me? How sick is that?" She shivered when she heard someone enter behind her, this could only be Gil. It wasn't easy but she thought she did a very good job at maintaining her appearance. He greeted everyone and she felt eyes on her again when she was the only one who didn't acknowledge his presents. i _'Damn this is going to be hard..' /i _

When Grissom didn't start with the assignments immediately Nick responded to Sara's question she had already forgot about. "Actually Sara, you're not late. You're just not as early as you normally are. You must have had a pretty good night, are we going to meet him anytime soon?" Grissom almost choked because of Nick's remark, Sara shot him a nervous look.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I was having.. uh.. family problems." She should have stopped at the none of your business part. Now, they wouldn't let her go before an interrogation.

"Family problems? Your not very convincing Sar, I think this is the first time in God knows how many years then you mention them." Now it was Warrick who became noisy.

Sara became a bit angry by this insinuation. "I may not have any friends outside of work Warrick, but I i _do /i _ have a family." Warrick opened his mouth to respond but she quickly added, "Can we drop the subject please?"

Before anything else could be said, Grissom spoke, "Okay, Cath, Greg, you have a possible homicide in a small restaurant. Don't forget to carry and put on your vests please. Sofia just called, she's waiting for you." Cath took the case file from him and made her way out, Greg followed. "Nick, Warrick, we got another lead in the Johnson case from last week. His brother called that he'd found suspicious documents when they were gathering his belongings in his house. Sara, you're with me, if you aren't too affected by your i _family /i _ problems."

His words, and the way he said them sliced through the room and made Warrick and Nick stop in their way out. Sara tried to stay calm the best she could, but her blood reached its boiling point. "EXCUSE ME? You can forget it! I'm NOT working with you! Either you pair me with someone else or even better, solo, or I'm out of here. Your choice."

She could see he was mad about her yelling hard enough for the entire lab to hear so his responds didn't come as a surprise. "As you wish, you're free to go then."

She walked over to the doorway, still occupied by the two men and turned just before she reached them. "Fine! Just keep in mind where I warned you for!" With that, she made her way out. Pushing Nick roughly out of her way as she went.

b A/N /b Oh dear, crappy ending!! Good things are coming though!! I have to travel for like 12 hours so I promise I'll write on the way and post again as soon as possible. We had a huge storm here today, so I looked up my flight for delays.. What do you know, according to the schedule on the net my flight is going to LA!! Not just a bit out of destination, noooo!! Lets cross the entire country!! I hope they made a mistake when they put it online.. Otherwise I have time to finish the entire story on my way to RI, hmm now I think of it, maybe that's a good thing...


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N 1:** Finally, the third chapter! I'm in Rhode Island now, jeej my flight was a disaster though, so I didn't had that much time to work on the story. I hope it turned out right! Again, thanks Lisa for beta'ing!

She walked over to the doorway, still occupied by the two men and turned just before she reached them. "Fine! Just keep in mind where I warned you for!" With that, she made her way out. Pushing Nick roughly out of her way as she went.

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Sara threw her way trough the front doors of the lab, letting her tears run free the moment the doors closed behind her. She'd taken the time to get her purse from the locker room, but didn't bother to notify anyone of her sudden leaving, he made her leave, he could explain.

She drove her car away from the lab, but stopped at a parking space around the corner. Her head dropped on the steering wheel, she was in no condition to drive safely. _Never _in her whole life had she walked out on something like that. _How could she let it come this far _ She couldn't stand the fact that she'd walked out on him in front of her colleagues. They had always managed to keep their private life out of the lab, and now she had let it slip.

She waited another 20 minutes in the parking space, thinking over the answers she could give to the questions she would definitely get when she would go to work again. The trip to Jim's house was made without any damage, just one pedestrian was nearly hit, and it wasn't even her fault. She had enough sleep last night, but after her confrontation with Gil, she felt exhausted. Unfortunately, there were only two ways for her to get some sleep. Next to the man she wanted to hate more than anything at the moment, or with way to much alcohol in her body. Since neither were options at the moment, she would have to find something else to keep her busy.

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Gil stood in the layout room, looking at the evidence he gathered at the scene. He didn't see it though; his mind was occupied with images and thoughts of Sara. He probably didn't deserve the time to give her an explanation, but he had to find a way to speak to her. The thought over never sitting in front of the TV with her again, never walking hand in hand, talking, everything, was too much to handle and he knew this was going to be the way if he didn't tell her the truth about what had happened.

Preoccupied with his thoughts, he didn't hear Jim come in. Surprised to hear his voice, he looked up from the table. "I just overheard Nick and Warrick talking about Sara leaving. Care to tell me what this is all about?"

Fair enough, he suspected to get some kind of questions after assignments. This didn't mean he wanted to talk about it, but Jim knew him better then everyone except Sara and knowing her, he probably wouldn't succeed in keeping it all from him. "We got in uh… we got in kind of a fight yesterday."

Jim had taken place on the stool on the other side of the table. He looked up and Gil saw a look on his friend's face he hadn't seen before, he looked more then concerned. Their eyes met and he could see and hear Jim wasn't sure about his words. "Please Gil, tell me something new, we both know 'kind of a fight' is a bit of an understatement."

_Sharing. _He wasn't good at it and he probably never will be. He was getting a bit better at it though. Sara never had any problems with it, from the beginning, she'd let him in on how she felt and she'd trusted him with a lot of things from her past. She always looked better after they talked and he learned how relieving talking was for her. He promised himself he would do something in return, and tried to talk to her about things that bothered him at work, things he did and liked besides his work before they were together, how he really felt about the new couch she wanted to buy, he even told her about his childhood.

This new way of communicating only worked with Sara though, he'd always told Jim more then the others, but never more then necessary. No need to change that now. However, he was curious what his answer meant. "What do you mean with that?"

Jim would probably give his life for Gil, but man he could be a pain in the ass sometimes. "Come on.. Where did you think she would go after she left you?" It was amusing to see Gil's expression changing. He went from annoyed to surprised and relieved, of course with his well-known raised eyebrow.

"I had no idea were she went, but I sure am happy to hear it was you."

When he didn't make any effort to continue, Jim decided they needed more time for this conversation. "Look, why don't you come by my office after shift?" He was afraid of a negative answer so he walked around the table and put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "Let me know if you don't make it, I'll see right through it if you come up with an excuse though." He left before Gil could say anything.

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He couldn't get any work done in the last hours anyway, so he entered Jim's office the minute he was off. He'd thought about going or not, but he soon came up with the conclusion that there was no way he could get around this. After closing the door behind him, he took a seat on the couch and rested his head against the wall behind it. Jim put the papers he was reading away, took a bottle of Scotch and two glasses and seated himself next to Gil without saying anything. No words were needed as he filled the two glasses and handed one to the man next to him.

Gil took a sip and waited for Jim to start the conversation. Several moments were spent when he realized he was expected to speak first. He took another sip and started, "How is she Jim?"

Jim stared at his friend and shook his head, he just couldn't believe how clueless he could be at times. "Jesus Gil, I have no idea what happened between you two, but by the way she's acting it must be something big. No, she is _not _ fine."

He was ashamed of himself that he actually felt relieved to hear that she wasn't fine about the situation. This could mean there still was a change for them. He realized his expression must have given his thoughts away, as he heard Jim speak, "I didn't realize you actually enjoyed making her miserable. What the hell have you done to her?"

The moment the words came out his mouth Jim knew he shouldn't have said them. The look Gil shot him confirmed this. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He'd walked away from the couch and stood near the desk, his back to the couch.

"I'm sorry Gil, it's just that you've pushed her away so many times before and I love that girl as my own daughter. I don't like seeing her hurt because of you, or over something to do with you. You have hurt her big time buddy. So, I'll ask you again, what happened?"

Gil calmed a bit by his words, but still he was angry that Jim blamed it all on him that easy. He was right though, and he was glad someone else cared about Sara that much maybe he deserved to be blamed. He took his seat on the couch again and looked at Jim with a sad look on his face. "I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but she obviously disagreed with me." Oh God, he couldn't believe he just said that! He'd opened up to someone other then Sara and it actually felt good.

At his turn, Jim was just as surprised as Gil was. Even though he would try, he didn't think he would get anything personal out of him. Maybe this would be the first conversation actually about Gil and not about himself. "Any chance you're going to tell me i _what_ /i it is you disagree about?

He was surprised Sara hadn't told Jim already, but he was quiet sure she would eventually. At least if he told him, he was able to give his side of the story too. After drowning another at this point definitely needed Scotch he still hesitated, why was it so hard for him to talk about himself? "We uh.. She.. You know we were unpacking all of her boxes right?" Jim nodded and he continued, "Well, Sara was unpacking in the bedroom when I was in the kitchen. One moment we're all fine and the next, she storms into the kitchen, holding something I forgot about years ago. I guess I should clean out the back of the top shelf of my closet more often. The box may uh… It may have contained evidence of a former relationship."

Jim just stared at him, not because he was angry, didn't understand him or whatever, but because Gil had just told him more about himself in one sentence then in the rest of the years they knew each other. Just when he realized he should say something, Gil beat him to it. "I didn't think it was that big of a deal because it wasn't anything important, I think it must have been about 10 years ago."

**A/N 2:** I'm not that sure about this ending… Please let me know what you think! (Thanks to everyone who takes the time to leave a comment!) I have no idea when the next chap will be up, I hope in about 4 or 5 days!


	4. Chapter 4

** A/N 1: **This chapter has turned out a bit shorter then I wanted it to be, so I'll post the next one really soon! Tthanks Lisa for beta'ing!

Twenty minutes after he'd left the lab, Gil found himself in front of Jim's house. The lights were on, he knew Sara was in there. He'd been standing in front of the door twice and he'd been walking back to his car twice. His phone had been flipped open at least five times with Sara's number on the display, but he never pressed the call button. He wanted to speak to her, but he was afraid that if he did, he would make things even worse then they were now. She knew he was bad in confrontations like this, so maybe she would forgive him if she gave him the time to explain himself, but maybe she didn't and that fear kept him from actually knocking on the door in stead of watching it for half an hour.

After forty-five minutes of staring at his friend's front door and his phone, he made his way to his townhouse. While he was driving, he thought about the day that started this mess.

_August 13, 1998  
_

Gil Grissom came home tired after a long twenty hour shift, all he wanted for at that moment was a hot shower and his bed. However, when he entered his house he was welcomed by a smell of freshly prepared food. The room was lighted by candles that were placed everywhere. The table was set with beautiful matching china and crystal wine glasses he didn't recognize. He made his way to the kitchen and saw her standing in front of the fridge in a black evening gown and even from behind, she looked stunning.

She knew he was standing there without having to look around. "Interested in a glass of Prosecco?" Without waiting for the answer, she poured two glasses and handed him one. She took in his appearance while he took his first sip and she thought about how he always managed to look handsome in just his work clothes. Of course, she loved him even more when he wore a suit, but he was able to sweep her of her feet in anything.

He wanted to ask her what this special occasion was all about, but he was afraid he'd forgotten something, like he had with her birthday 2 weeks ago. He didn't have to think about it much longer, as she came closer and wrapped her arms around his neck, careful not to spill the champagne. She placed a quick kiss on his lips, "Happy second month anniversary honey!"

"Uh… Yeah, you too honey." Was it two months already or was it, just two months and she's already making such a big deal out of it? He knew she was taking this more seriously then he did, she'd even told him that she loved him already. He'd freezed out, but remembered to let her off gently.

He'd never had a long lasting relationship before, let alone loved someone romantically. Because of that though, he wasn't sure if he knew what love was, if he could recognize it. What he'd seen about and heard about on TV and the little conversations he had about that topic, you would know what love was the minute it happened to you. He had no evidence though, so maybe what he had now was, or could be love. He really didn't know.

Dinner went great. She didn't bring up anything heavy; they'd just talked about the usual. He'd even forgotten all about his tiredness as she led him to his bed with totally other thoughts in her head then sleeping. It wasn't until after they'd spent the best night together yet, that it all went wrong.

After they'd made love, she'd told him she loved him again. It didn't really come as a surprise for him, but somehow he'd managed to say the stupidest thing to her anyway. 'Thanks' he'd said, out of all the things he could have said to her, he'd said thanks and she didn't take it well. That was it for his first long lasting relationship.

When he thought about it later that night, he knew this couldn't be love, he hoped this couldn't be love. Weren't you at least supposed to feel some kind of pain or regret when the woman you loved had walked away from you? They'd done a ton of great and fun things the last couple of weeks and yes, he had to admit he would miss some part of it, but he didn't mind having his life for himself and himself alone again. No, he wouldn't mind that part at all, even if it meant he'd had to find sexual satisfaction with himself again too.

He didn't know how she'd came into the house, but the next day when he came home after shift, he found a note saying she'd taken the few things she had at his house home and brought him the few things he'd left at her place. There was a shoebox next to the note with a couple of photos they'd made together, a postcard he'd sent her when he was out of town two weekends ago, a small teddy bear they'd won in an amusement park she'd taken him to and a couple of other small mementos. He hadn't really known why, but something kept him from just throwing it away, so he'd put it on the top shelf of his closet instead and never touched it since.

**A/N 2: ** Like I said, chapter 5 will be here shortly. I hoped I satisfied your minds a little bit with this one.. Thanks to anyone who took the time to review the last chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N 1: **Finally the next chapter, I'm sorry for the delay. I moved from my aunt's house to my uncle's and it turned out he doesn't have internet. 1000 x thanks to Lisa!! If it wasn't for her, I was still slamming my head against my keyboard..

He hadn't really known why, but something kept him from just throwing it away, so he'd put it on the top shelf of his closet instead and never touched it since.

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Like she'd predicted, Sara hadn't got any sleep since she got home last night. She'd surfed on the web for a while, but since she didn't have access to her email account, she was finished with the computer pretty soon. With all the magazines she and Gil received together, they got almost every interesting journal to read at home, so there wasn't a lot of reading material Jim owned that she hadn't read already. The only interesting book she found on the bookshelf, she'd gone through in 3 hours.

While she was flipping through the TV channels in the lack of something better to do, time crawled by and that gave her way too much time to think over all that had happened. She couldn't stand the fact that there was actual evidence of an earlier relationship that he had, a relationship that if she should believe him wasn't important. What worried Sara the most was that not even Catherine would be able to find some proof of the Gil/Sara relationship. They hadn't taken any photos together, she didn't even have a card with his handwriting on it and since she had taken all her stuff out of his house, there was just nothing left. If Catherine would decide to look into Sara's life at the moment, she would probably think she was together with Jim.

Yeah, Catherine definitely was something special. Of all the people in the lab, Sara had been absolutely sure that it would be her who would find out about Gil and her first, other then Jim of course. It had been going on for months now and_ if_ Ms. Noisy would have even the smallest clue, she wouldn't have kept it for herself. Gil couldn't believe she hadn't found out about it yet either, he saw Cath as one of his closest friends and she knew more of him then Jim even. But yet, she hadn't been able to tie the knots together.

It wasn't that Gil hadn't given her enough hints or anything. He'd ­shaved off his beard, he'd taken days off, if Cath really knew him that well, you would think she could have figured it out by now.

At about the time she would normally be coming home with Gil to retreat themselves in the bedroom after a hard shift, a sound outside got her out of her thoughts. She had no idea who to expect so she went to the kitchen window to get a good view of the front lawn, as she peered through the glass, she saw Gil walking back to his car. Even though she didn't want to talk to him, she had to admit she liked seeing him again. He got in the car and when his head turned towards the house again, she hid behind the curtain.

The car was dark and she couldn't see him that good, but it was obvious he wasn't happy. She studied him shameless for several minutes and when he walked towards the house again, she jumped away from the window. She found herself at her side of the front door two seconds later, waiting for his knock without knowing if she would answer it. When she heard footsteps going away from the door, she wondered why the hell she felt such a strong urge to open the door, run after him, throw her arms around him and cry all the pain away on his chest.

For now, thank God, she could suppress the urge, but she knew better than to watch him through the window again. What was it about this man that made her shove all her principles aside? Not to keep walking after a guy that rejects you, not to be an incredible jealous girlfriend who wants to keep her man in eyesight every second and far most, not to let men get away if they hurt her. Ow, she'd screwed up the last one, big time. She'd let him of the hook for a lot of things, but somehow, he was worth it.

She felt relieved to be freed of her thoughts when she heard a key in the front door, but she wasn't quick enough to move before it opened. Jim almost tripped over Sara who'd slipped down next to the doorpost. "You do know I have chairs right? And an actual living room to sit in?"

Sara didn't know why but somehow she felt a huge urge to talk about things, to share her feelings and thoughts about what had happened. The urge was strange though, considering that there really only had been one person in her life for at least a decade with whom she felt comfortable enough to tell her stories.

She'd never felt comfortable to open up more then strictly necessary, but when it came to Gil it was the other way around. She could tell him everything without having to be afraid of the response. Her eager to share had led to some problems since she'd met him and since the start of their relationship, it even led to some minor fights. Even though the couple of misunderstandings it led to, Sara had learned it was very relieving and helpful to talk about things that troubled you.

Maybe that's why, for the first time, she wanted to share her problems with someone other then Gil. She'd always trusted Jim, sometimes even more then she had trusted Gil in the past, so he was definitely the right choice to get it all of her chest. "Gil was here…"

Since she hadn't moved since he'd come in, he slid down next to her before answering. The moment he hit the floor, he knew his body wasn't going to be able to stay in this position for long. "Since you're sitting here like this, I figure it didn't go that well…"

Her head turned slowly and he could see the sticky dried tiers on her slightly red face. "I said he was here." She turned her face away from him again, ashamed of the fresh tears she knew where on there way. "I didn't say we talked. He parked in front of the house for a while, even came to the door, but didn't come in."

Even though he still had no idea why she took this news so hard, he felt sorry for her. Putting himself in an even more uncomfortable position, he embraced her. "Come on, I'll fix you something to eat."

While he made his way to the kitchen, he asked if she wanted to have a shower to try to make her feel better. She agreed, and when she came back twenty minutes later, she found him at the breakfast bar with scrambled eggs, toast and a beer.

Jim began to eat his food in silence as he watched Sara playing with, but not eating hers. She didn't have any trouble with her drink though; Jim decided to bring it up when she emptied the bottle in one big sip. "You know, I did speak to Gil today and he told me what happened. No offence Sara, but you didn't really think you were his first did you?"

She hadn't been able to eat since she'd left Gil's house yesterday and she was fully aware of the unhealthiness of this situation, so she really tried to eat the eggs Jim had made her. When she finally succeeded to lift up her fork with now cold food, his words made her drop it again. Before he finished speaking, she was up on her feet and on her way to the fridge to get a refill. She didn't even want to be mad at Gil, let alone get in an argument with Jim at this moment, but how could he think she would take this easy?

How could he think that, since her relationship with the woman in question, she wouldn't have a problem with the history she shared with the man she herself planned on getting old with? "Of course not Jim, but he could at least have told me about it!" She landed on the couch and took a sip from her new bear. She continued when she saw Jim opening his mouth. "You know us Jim, and of all people, I thought you would understand why I'm not fine with it."

Even though he still didn't understand her, he felt the urge to comfort her. He made his way over and sat down next to her. He knew how much she cared for Gil and he was pretty sure she really loved him and because Gil's previous stubbornness, he knew she wouldn't be this angry at him for nothing. "Are you just mad at him for having a prior relationship or is there more to it?"

He immediately released the hand he grabbed just seconds ago and backed away at the look she gave him. "You don't find a relationship with Sofia enough?"

_Sofia?_ that explained a lot! The two women weren't exactly on the best terms ever. He always wondered what Sara had thought of the obvious flirting attempts towards Gil, they started when she came to work at the nightshift and he never searched anything more behind it.

"I'm sorry Sara, I didn't know… How typical Gil to leave that fact out when he told me what happened. I really had no idea." His words made her feel a lot better, she was glad to know why he didn't understand her anger at first. She took another sip of her beer and leaned her head backwards.

"Sofia's name had come up more then once since we got serious and he had several opportunities to tell me this, but he never did. I've never asked him straight, but you would think something like this is important enough to tell me anyway. When I showed him the box I'd found, he started to talk his way out of it. That it was way before he asked me to come here, that it never got serious, that I was the only woman he'd allowed into his house, and so on and so on."

Jim was glad to hear her open up to him, he wanted her to feel better and he figured the only way to do this was to let her talk. He told her he'd be right back and went in the kitchen to get another round of beers. The moment he was back in the room he started, "Gil told me about the box, what exactly did you find?"

She took the beer from him and placed it on the coffee table before taking another sip of the bottle in her other hand. "The whole I-can't-get-over-someone-package! Pictures of them together, happy pictures, some of them where in the house, so I know he lied about that one. There were cards, printed emails, a small stuffed teddy bear, and so on and so on..."

Jim couldn't really say he had experience with supporting people when they threw their hearts over the table, so he had a hard time looking for something right to say. Suspects did the same thing during interrogation and that never was a problem, but with Sara and Gil, he was personally involved. He never thought they would ever brake up the moment they finally found each other and he wanted nothing more then get them together again. Gil had made a big mistake though, keeping his history with Sofia from Sara was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever did. He'd always admired Sara for forgiving Gil for his mistakes and he really understood why she didn't now.

"I just can't believe he did this, this is so not Gil. He must have a good explanation why he never told you.. I can't believe he would do this on purpose."

Sara had only responded with, 'to be honest, me neither' and he decided to let it go for a while. He'd turned on the TV and found a channel that just started showing a detective movie. By the time the movie was finished, they'd both drowned two more beers and the last time he'd rejoined her on the couch, Sara had made herself comfortable against his shoulder. He had been fine with it; he had to admit it was nice to be this close to her.

He wasn't fine with it when she started to caress his chest though, he'd been with enough women to know exactly what she meant with this gesture. She was drunk and hurt and probably didn't realize what she was doing and he was the last person on the world who would take advantage of Sara Sidle.

Gently he'd pushed her away and she looked at him even more hurt then before. She didn't have to say any thing, he knew what she was thinking. He turned off the TV, picked up the empty beer bottles and made his way to the kitchen after saying, "I'm being a friend honey. You'll thank me in the morning."

**A/N:** I know, that this could NEVER be reality, according to the elavatorscnene in Formalities, but this is fanfiction, so I bent the reality a bit ;-)... I have no idea how that scene can fit in here, maybe the best thing is to pretend it never happened.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N1:** Thank you Lisa for reading it over! And thanks to all the people who took the time to read and review previous chapters! All the great comments keep me going! 

She woke up in the embrace of a warm body behind her. Opening her eyes, she found herself in their own bedroom. Glad that the fight turned out to be just a bad dream, she closed her eyes again to enjoy this moment as long as possible.

A closing door made her regain her consciousness again and looking at the alarm clock, she realized she'd been asleep for a further two hours.

It was unusual for Sara to wake up from a normal sound like a door closing, but since there should be no one to open it; she turned around to see if Gil was awake.

The realization hit her the moment the bedroom door opened and Gil appeared in the doorway instead of lying next to her. The moment he saw her, his expression filled with emotion. Anger, hurt, regret. She didn't have time to say anything as he turned around to slam the door behind him, getting away from the picture of Sara and Jim sleeping together in _their_ bed.

Sara woke up from her dream sweaty and in tears. She was back on Jim's couch and with the dream still fresh in her mind, she thought about what had happened last night, or better, what could have happened.

She still wore yesterday's clothes and she didn't take the time to change as she gathered her things and made her way out after leaving a short thank you note on the breakfast bar. She could shower at the lab; all she wanted to do now was to get out before Jim would wake up. In her car she found out, she still had hours to kill before her shift started, but it didn't matter, it wouldn't be the first time she'd spent her off hours at work.

She felt bad about running away from him, but she had no idea what she could say to him. How could she tell him how sorry she was for what happened, how was she going to thank him for what hadn't happened? A day to think about it didn't look like a bad idea.

After taking a long shower and putting on a fresh pair of clothes she had in her locker, she made her way to the break room to get a coffee before burying her head in cold cases. Entering the room, she found the second person she was trying to hide from. She should have known though, same as her, he was always here when something was bothering him. "What are you doing here?" Was all she could say.

Gil was sitting at the table with a newspaper in front of him, a steaming mug in his hand. He looked up at her and took a sip without taking her eyes off her. "The same thing as you I suppose."

He looked more tired then she'd seen him in ages, but he also seemed relaxed. She was still mad at him, but it was good to see him looking a bit better then how he'd looked when he was at the house. She decided not to tell him she'd seen him, if he wanted to tell her something, he had to do it on his own.

His eyes were still focused on hers and she felt trapped in his intimate gaze. She didn't want to be with him, but somehow her body was drawn to him, unable to walk away.

Gil knew pretty well that their argument was long from over, but something in her appearance gave him hope. She was obviously still upset, but the coldness she'd carried in her words seemed to be disappearing slowly. He'd expected her to leave the room after taking her coffee, but instead she just stood there, looking at him.

He realized it was a bad idea, but he couldn't stay on his chair, he had to be closer to her. Again, she surprised him when she let him come closer and didn't walk away. Standing in front of her with no more then two feet between them, he lost his speaking ability.

Without realizing what he was doing, he gently placed his hand on her cheek. He received an angry look in return, but instead of backing away, she leaned in to his touch, eager to feel more of him, eager to take in more of his scent.

She knew they'd only been standing there for a couple of seconds, but it felt like ten minutes before she had the strength to put her hands on his shoulders, ready to push him away. Her thumb disappeared under his collar and she felt something that hadn't been there before. He never wore jewelry, or at least, not that she'd known of, so her curiosity got the best of her, as she gently pushed the necklace within eyesight with her finger.

The moment he realized she was looking down at his neck, he backed away to hide what he didn't want her to see. It had been too late though; she'd already recognized the thin necklace he was wearing. She'd only seen a couple of links, but it had been enough to know it was hers. It was the only thing she accidentally left behind at his house.

Sara was the first to find her voice back, as Gil stared at her nervously. "You're wearing my necklace." She spoke with him in soft, but firm words, not knowing if she was okay with it yet.

The fact that he was wearing her chain made her feel better, but she still didn't exactly know what to do with it. While looking at him walking away she realized it had to be a good sign though. He wouldn't walk around with her necklace if he didn't feel for her anymore. The possibility was there that he just worn it to remind himself to return it to her, but she was sure he would already have done it by now.

Just seconds after he sat down again, he felt her presence coming closer and she sat down next to him. The situation was pretty awkward, as he didn't know where to look or what to say while she waited patiently for him.

"I'm sorry." He finally started. "I found it on the bedside table and I thought… I just thought it would keep you close to me." After taking a deep breath, he reached for her hand and took it in his. "I'm not ready to let you go yet Sara."

**A/N 2:** I hope this chapter made sense, I'm a little bit afraid it's OOC, so please let me know! Also, if you have any suggestion's how to proceed Sara and Grissom, let me know! Thanks again for reading! 


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